9 Months In
6:26 p.m. July 20th, Wednesday Evening
I am 9 months alcohol-free.
I’m very proud of myself for staying the course. It hasn’t been easy, but now… it’s not as hard as I thought it’d be this far in either. To think, there was a time when I felt like I didn’t know how to manage without drinking. I pray I never end up back there again. I was a month weed-free, and I know I will be again, because just like every time before, I regret picking it back up. Not that my behavior is as self-destructive as when I drink, but because it IS easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. I see that now. The longer I go without something, the easier it is to keep going. I’d like to test this theory with other habits of mine, when I’m ready.
Lately I’ve been feeling really hopeful about my life and where I’m going, literally. I’ve been pumping myself up with videos and information on black women expats and digital nomads. Pumping myself up, so I stay encouraged during my journey. I am scared, but standing right beside that fear is excitement so big I can taste it. I’m so ready for my life to change, to look different, to be different. I’m so eager.
Then, why haven’t I actually started on anything yet?
Still, I guess I’m afraid to try and fail, so I stand in place…waiting on the journey to start without me? There’s no one to stand over me and boss me around, tell me what to do and when.
That’s what I’m here for.
Am I struggling to begin, because part of me is so used to that form of “motivation” that I’m struggling to just move without it?
What if it’s for nothing?
That’s usually my biggest, most intrusive, self-sabotaging fear. Would it really be for nothing? I ask, as I look shamefully over my shoulder towards my closet. Even if in a year or less time than that, my life isn’t going as planned, would it hurt to have decluttered my space? Will the lessons I learn along the way, mean nothing? While I don’t think so, I know I’ll feel like I “wasted” energy, effort, getting rid of things that weren’t serving me that I could’ve held onto longer.
It’s the strangest thing, wanting so badly for my life to change, yet being afraid to take the first steps toward that change. I think I’m also anticipating, becoming overwhelmed, and that discouraging me and I’ll be in this room surrounded by unfinished projects…frozen in time.
The strangest thing is the only way to combat these lies, is by simply making them untrue. Revealing them to be the bullshit hurdle they are by starting, moving through these things, and these feelings.
As I take a deep breath, I am frustrated with myself, because life has shown me enough times, that if I step towards my truth, how big I really am, and just begin in any small way…my purpose, my greatness, my joy, the life I truly deserve (not the one I’ve settled for by playing small) WILL rise to meet me. Right where I am, not some far-off version of me that has to meet some experience quota beforehand to qualify for the experience I’m tryna get. I’m so used to things being that way.
I need to accept the truth for what it is and what it ain’t.
