BE.

I ask myself when I’m having a hard time trying to narrow down what to write about, “what’s on my heart to share?”

I struggled with this question for the last few days because as pleased as I am to have this space to share and as content as I am with myself, I am tired today.

I’m not a beat down and worn out tired. Just a nice soft, I’ve done enough for now kinda tired. I’m that kinda tired you are after having a good meal, not stuffed but satisfied.

I recognize that there are some parts of life that I have had my fill of, that I no longer allow to be served at my table. Those things drained me, left me feeling sluggish and unable to move much further than where they left me.Work still makes me feel like this and I suspect it will until I find a job that fits me.

However, I’m closer to my feelings than I’ve given myself the opportunity to be in a while. This makes it easier to hear even the smallest voice inside of myself that tells me what I need from one moment to the next.

Sometimes I think I need to run away from the world and everyone in it. Then I get still and hear instead, “we’re overstimulated, turn the lights off, turn all the sounds down and lie still enough to feel your heartbeat”.

That’s been happening a lot more lately and I think that’s because I’m mentally very busy, planning my life away. I’m not as good of a planner as I thought.

When I try to gain control too far out of reach, I lose sight of the steps I need to take that are right in front of me. Like when you try to visually focus on something way in the distance and everything close to you blurs out of sight.My eyes have been getting tired lately from trying to see so far ahead while simultaneously trying to exist in the present.

Some days are harder than others to just Be in. Some days I have to force myself to slow down time. Some days I feel like I waste the day when I’m not planning for the next.

Some days I do more resting than planning.

Out of all those days, I believe these are the most necessary.