Conditional Self Love

the call is coming from inside the house

I’ve been in deep admiration of my budding relationships. As my mama put it, I’ve been “honeymooning”, which I totally have been.

The thing is, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t pray, wish, or even hint at hoping for a relationship, let alone three. But let’s be clear, this isn’t about my evolving polyamorous relationships. It is, however, about how you can guarantee a relationship to give you the introspection you need to see yourself in a little more light.

Does anyone else feel verrry suspicious when things feel “too” good? You’re enjoying yourself, throwing your hands in the air & waving them like you just don’t care, but between every breath is a nagging feeling you won’t make time to tend to.

The nagging feeling for me was fear, which was “coincidental” because I had been talking with God about how I either needed to move out of love & abundance or fear & lack in my life. Fortunately, I do not believe in coincidences.

I do believe in questions & answers.

The fear coming up for me went from nagging to annoyingly thought-consuming. I needed to give them space. When I feel like this I write down whatever questions come up for me, to get to the root of my questions & my fears. The goal was to ask the questions until they answered back.

So I started asking.

I had a short list that made it clear to me that the questions I’d started asking were not the focus of the ones I ended up asking. I’ll spare dragging you through the details, but the line of questioning (& answering) went from:

Why am I afraid to begin again?

Because I can’t repeat the same ending

what am I afraid of?

That I am too much & no one can reach the level of love that I require.

By the end, my answers were clearer, even when my questions remained the same.

Why am I afraid to begin again?

I had a hard time choosing myself while choosing my partner.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid that I will struggle to love & honor myself to the level that I require while in a relationship.

In my past relationships (romantic, platonic, work) I struggled to balance showing up for myself & others, one or both usually suffered.

Once I was depleted, I’d scramble trying to find ways to haphazardly self-soothe. I ruuuuminated on my past relationships & all the ways I could’ve shown up better if I’d started with myself.

Regret is fucking exhausting, but it can serve a purpose if you let it. I started to think of all the “small cuts” I subjected myself to. In the end, they bled me, my relationship, & my partner dry.

Coming to this conclusion is helping me manage my fear & to get clear about the expectations I have of myself.

I know that being in aligned relationships is a gift, but I don’t wanna get so caught up in unwrapping it that I miss the party.

At one point I had to snatch myself up off honeymoon island just to go home for a few hours. I was starting to lose my grip on my priorities. As much as I didn’t wanna leave my boo to put my laundry away or make my bed, I knew what was at stake. I took some of that time to take note of the things I did that helped me to get back to myself, the sustaining practices I want to maintain no matter who or what comes along:

Self-inquiry (journaling & vlogging)

Solo dates

SDP (Solo Dance Parties)

Playing dress up

Being in my space

Clean/Organize my space

Meditation & breathwork

Keeping my word to myself

Keep in mind, these are things I am doing my best to maintain at this time. I don’t conquer every challenge all the time, but I do my best to show up for myself.

These are things that I recognize as tools that help me to regulate my nervous system, have “buffer moments” in between time with my partners, and get back to my essence.

The two of these that are the most challenging to maintain when I’m on Honeymoon Island, but the most rewarding when I do, are self-inquiry & keeping my word to myself.

It can be easy for me to get wrapped up in being in relationship. This is why I’ve gotta stay on top of my goals, my priorities, my plans, my friends, etc.

After all, it was me pouring into myself in these ways that attracted the life (& partners) I desired in the first place. It’s also important to remember that you are (I am) your (my) primary partner.