Divine Download
This morning has been one of breaking and building.
I’d like to share some of the feelings I journeyed through while crying in the bathroom of my new job and crying on the ride home from work. I’d like to share the Divine download I am still swimming in.
9:20 a.m. *cries silently in the handicapped bathroom (I obviously needed the extra space*
I have too much riding on this. This desperation is weakening me. Everything feels so urgent, too important. It’s making me emotional. I feel so unsettled…in my body, in my mind. The ground is shaky. I can’t stand here. How can I move past this? When will I be able to move past this?
10:10 a.m. *cries in secret on the ride home*
God has given me the gift of slowing down time. I have to accept it. I have to accept when forcing it isn’t going to work. I have to accept when grace is being given. I have to see the signs, as simple, as they are. I don’t know why God is slowing me down at what feels like every turn, but He’s intentional, even when I can’t grasp the intention.
Maybe God is trying to round out some of my edges. The sharp edges that cut me when I need help but fear asking. The sharp edges that I lean on when I prioritize my own understanding over His. There has to be a reason.
Sometimes it feels like God is trying to break me, into submission. And I already feel so broken. Is it because I’m hiding it? Is God tryna break me into unmasking? Is God tryna break me out of my fear of unmasking? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
[I heard]: Surrender.
I don’t know how
: Exactly.
Surrender to the wave.
“If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.” (Song of Solomon, Toni Morrison)
I’m having a hard time, because I’m having a hard time and I feel like I shouldn’t be.
I’m having a hard time because I’m trying to help myself and it feels like I can’t.
I’m having a hard time because I need help from others and it feels like they won’t.
They have a choice and they won’t.
I don’t have a choice, so I can’t.
: You do have a choice,
Surrender.
Surrendering is not the same as giving up, Ebony.
You’re not giving up on you. You’re not giving up your light or your essence.
You are giving up the fight.


holding your testimony in gentle palms ❤️🔥 thank you for this