Divine Download

This morning has been one of breaking and building.

I’d like to share some of the feelings I journeyed through while crying in the bathroom of my new job and crying on the ride home from work. I’d like to share the Divine download I am still swimming in.

9:20 a.m. *cries silently in the handicapped bathroom (I obviously needed the extra space*

I have too much riding on this. This desperation is weakening me. Everything feels so urgent, too important. It’s making me emotional. I feel so unsettled…in my body, in my mind. The ground is shaky. I can’t stand here. How can I move past this? When will I be able to move past this?

10:10 a.m. *cries in secret on the ride home*

God has given me the gift of slowing down time. I have to accept it. I have to accept when forcing it isn’t going to work. I have to accept when grace is being given. I have to see the signs, as simple, as they are. I don’t know why God is slowing me down at what feels like every turn, but He’s intentional, even when I can’t grasp the intention.

Maybe God is trying to round out some of my edges. The sharp edges that cut me when I need help but fear asking. The sharp edges that I lean on when I prioritize my own understanding over His. There has to be a reason.

Sometimes it feels like God is trying to break me, into submission. And I already feel so broken. Is it because I’m hiding it? Is God tryna break me into unmasking? Is God tryna break me out of my fear of unmasking? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

[I heard]: Surrender.

I don’t know how

: Exactly.

Surrender to the wave.

“If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.” (Song of Solomon, Toni Morrison)

I’m having a hard time, because I’m having a hard time and I feel like I shouldn’t be.

I’m having a hard time because I’m trying to help myself and it feels like I can’t.

I’m having a hard time because I need help from others and it feels like they won’t.

They have a choice and they won’t.

I don’t have a choice, so I can’t.

: You do have a choice,

Surrender.

Surrendering is not the same as giving up, Ebony.

You’re not giving up on you. You’re not giving up your light or your essence.

You are giving up the fight.