Free Flow

sobriety is still sobriety-ing.

It feels like boredom, like nothingness. Not a buzz or a hum or high-pitched secret sound in the distance. Just nothing, except the air conditioner blowing and my fingers tapping across my keyboard. I didn’t think I’d have anything to write, but I had a little to say. Also, I wanted to document this particular part of sobering up.

The past few days have been busy enough to keep me distracted, but also busy enough that I crave having that relief of smoking at the end of the day. So last night was that antsy, how am I going to sleep, can’t keep my hands out of my mouth, nerve-wracking feeling. Like I’ve just been spun around and let go. Now I’m frantically trying to refocus my vision by reaching out for something to steady me.

Every day isn’t easy, some days are. Some days, it feels like work and some days it feels like rest. Today it kinda just feels like I’m in a waiting room with no particular place to go. Nothing to remove me from myself. Maybe this part is just called being, not doing. Even though I’m definitely doing something by not doing anything (i.e. smoking or drinking).

It’s weird because as much as I think I want/need to smoke, as time passes without it, I know the feeling I’m chasing isn’t too far from this numb/nothing feeling. So why would it be better under the influence? I’m constantly asking myself some version of this question.

I know the days get easier. I know, “it’s easier to stay sober than to get sober”. While I’m “not doing anything”, I am actively conquering my cravings and pushing through these incremental triumphs…again.

Addiction can be really fucking frustrating. Some of you may be wondering, how’d she kick booze and not weed? Sweet baby, because the substance has never been the drug I was abusing, escapism was/is.

I was gonna keep this to myself. Write it, close it, then put it away, but I’m learning that shining light on my darkness is medicine.

Anybody else need a spoonful of sugar?