I A’int Quittin’

unless it’s substance abuse.

I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding the idea of a life’s purpose.

I think that it can come in phases. I believe that this phase of my life’s purpose is acceptance and surrender.

I believe that one purpose in our life is to learn and right now I’m in surrender class.

I actually feel like I’ve been taking this class for a while, but I’ve been playing hooky, as if I’m not gonna have to make up those assignments eventually.

The song of surrender has always been playing in the background, but I usually swat it away like a gnat from my ear and turn up Ms. Jackson’s “CONTROOOL” lol! As if I’ve ever really had any and jam out deliriously.

Right now, I am avoiding being seen (sabbatical). I feel like my cookie is still in the funny looking phase of the baking process.

Usually I’m oversharing all the in-betweens, but right now that feels counterproductive to my journey. Like, I’m at the point where I literally can’t televise the revolution.

I feel like I needed to take a break from being seen by others so I could fully tune in.

What I’m seeing without the distraction of an audience, and I say this with compassion, is I have made progress, just not as much as I thought.

This isn’t meant to discourage myself, but to be transparent about where I am and where I’d like to be. I am not just an alcoholic, I am addicted to escapism. So I have to be very mindful of how my unhealthy coping mechanisms can show up in ways that don’t seem like a big deal initially.

When you struggle with addictive behaviors your addiction can act like a stow away. It will hide quietly between your overly refreshed social media timeline and spending habits like it never even left.

Newsflash babe, it didn’t.

It just found behaviors to attach itself to that weren’t as self-destructive as alcohol so it could go undetected. It wants your mind to be so noisy that you can’t hear your higher self.

It’s like that Poison Poppy scene from The Wiz, admittedly one of my favorites. It was giving sensual Soul Train line & to quote Usher, “Seduce me baby, seduce me”!

I don’t have a Tin Man to “ah-Teeeny!” the delusion away.

Yet, I have everything I need. I surrender to the acceptance of that affirmation.

Well, when I’m not playing hooky, I do my best.

Everyday ain’t a win, but it ain’t a forfeit either.

And baby if you have a problem with the word ain’t, I’m from the South and that AIN’T going nowhere.