I Am

Lately, I’ve been giving myself more permission to be myself. It’s nice to be given the space, it’s even nicer to be the one to give it.

Hello, I’m Ebony. I am highly sensitive and easily overwhelmed. I have a childish sense of humor and I am not in my soft girl “era”. I’ve actually always been a soft girl whose softness had few safe places to show up. I’ve encountered men that  “mask masculinity” (pretend to be these versions of men that they believe are real men, but are actually just hyper-aggressive, immature traits they’re not interested in working through, jumbled together like a trash ass Autobot…okay, a Deceptacon).

Don’t excuse my French, because I don’t speak it.

I feel like when I was in spaces where my softness wasn’t safe I diverted either to mimicking the aggressive traits of the women I’d encountered in my life or the men, because for whatever reason I felt like they had some upper hand and that if I mimicked them, I’d yield the same respect. Honey, thank God for growth and clarity. Masking masculinity wasn’t it for me and it wasn’t a hit for them either.

Hi, I’m Ebony. I am no longer accepting what I’m being given, but I am asking for what I want. I don’t mind making concessions, but I don’t want that to be my default.

I am no longer interested in helping people help me to abandon myself.

Hey, I’m Ebony. When I show up in my softness, I experience child-like joy and wonder with ease. I laugh like it’s a second language that I can’t stop speaking. I find it easy to adore myself. I dance in the mirror for hours. I make up silly songs from one moment to the next and I pretend to be a freestyle rapper. I get so caught up in the present moment that I have no desire to reach outside of myself for any of my vices. This is the best part. Granted, I lose track of time, but I spin happily in my own little world (sometimes, literally). I enjoy seducing myself and coaxing the perfect day outta my mornings.

Mostly I’d like to use this as an opportunity to say that who I was is not who I am. I’m new. I have shown up as who would be accepted or not shown up at all and said what would be easier for certain people to digest. I’ve abandoned myself, more times than I haven’t, to show up for undeserving people. I don’t feel like that version of myself has served who I want to be. I know that some people have experienced parts of my ideal self. She is self-assured, has boundaries, candidly speaks her mind, is introspective, and isn’t afraid to share her opinion. The people who have experienced this version of me have either made me feel safe enough to show up in that way or encountered me on a day when I was feeling particularly confident and didn’t care who knew it.

I immensely enjoy myself when I stop masking and show up in all my majesty, so I’d like to introduce myself to the world as who I really am. I no longer wish to be perceived as a strong Black woman. I have social anxiety and I am an empath. So at any given moment, I could completely dissociate, isolate, or mask someone else’s emotions. Please, watch how you feel around me. The woman I am becoming does get anxious whenever I let my freak flag fly a little higher for the people to see, but how else will my people know how to find me?

Hey, y’all! (yea, that’s more like it), my name is Ebony and I’m not who you think I am. I Am who I choose to be.