it happened again

& my sobriety survived.

In the beginning of my sobriety, I’d have nightmares of breaking my sobriety. I’d have a drink & wake up riddled with guilt that you couldn’t convince me wasn’t real. Until I knew it wasn’t a dream, until it actually happened.

I was in Mexico for the first time, at a beautiful dinner & the waiter came around handing out drinks. He’d already been told who at the table was sober & who wasn’t. I don’t know if his count was off, if I sat in the wrong seat, or if it was just good ole human error, but I didn’t know the mistake was made until the roof of my mouth & inside of my nose were riddled with the familiar warmth & flavor of gin. I hoped immediately that it was some non-alcoholic tonic that shared the same flavor, but no, no, no, no. I shook my head adamantly & let someone know. I don’t really remember how. I’ve already trauma-forgotten that part. Since I was amongst friends & even better, sober ones, they checked in. Looked me in my eyes & asked, “Are you okay?” I knew what she was asking. I felt like I’d dreamt about it enough times that it kinda felt like this was always coming, like I’d manifested it.

Well, recently it happened again. I absentmindedly ordered a drink from the mocktail menu of a popular local restaurant in my hometown. The drink was called “Unicorn Tears”. I was so excited to try a new mocktail that I didn’t notice there was an alcoholic cocktail by the same name (rookie mistake, theirs, not mine). In my experience, the mocktail menu is either non-existent, flavored lemonade, or a list of 3 drinks they did their best to make sound festive. Usually, they DO NOT have the same names as the alcoholic cocktails.

I blame myself. The drink came out in a short cocktail glass (I should’ve known better), the cocktail list was right beside the mocktail list (I should’ve paid more attention). I even waited until my girlfriend’s drink came because I love to clink glasses (I had enough time that I could’ve double-checked the drink menu & changed it). All the blame in the world won’t take back that sip. It happened again, that warm, familiar flavor of gin & me adamantly shaking my head no, no, no, no. My eyes wide with confusion, disappointment, horror.

In the dream, I don’t know if I took a sip or a whole drink, it didn’t matter. I woke up feeling as if I’d thrown away all my days, all my sacrifice, all my hard work, all my pride behind my abstaining from drinking in one careless moment. It didn’t feel quite as daunting as waking up from this mistake that felt real. It still didn’t feel good.

What bothered me the most was that before it happened, I’d imagined it more than a couple times. I hate to admit that three years into my sobriety, I occasionally visualize myself “casually” taking a drink. Sometimes I even feel envious of people who can drink & not call it a problem.

So I felt worse about the fact that something in me still wanted to sabotage myself in this way than I did about the fact that an honest mistake was made.

I spit the drink back in the cup, and tried to flush my mouth of the flavor with fried pickles, that good tangy bar ranch, water, but I could still smell & taste it in my nose. I drank more water and then excused myself to go to the bathroom. I needed eyes off of me so I could just feel my feelings & do what that Black woman friend in Mexico did for me (“Are you okay?”). I went into the stall & let out a big breath that sounded like “wheeew sweeet jesuus!” then I kept telling myself that I was okay, “It happened & I’m okay”. I think what I really meant was, “This happened again & I am still sober. I am okay.”

p.s. Now, whenever I order a mocktail that looks a lil TOO good, I have my girlfriend take a sip first to make sure it’s safe. I also make sure to say “the non-alcoholic version of such-and-such”. I haven’t had a slip up since that day, November 18, 2024.

Unicorn Tears, minus the mocktail.